


Only the Lonely

by ArchitectofSorrow



Series: Hazards of Falling in Love [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Character Study, Depression, Episode: s02e13 Obsession, Frottage, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Series, Sex, Survivor Guilt, Trauma, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 16:29:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14773139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArchitectofSorrow/pseuds/ArchitectofSorrow
Summary: The year is 2258. After his first deep space mission on the U.S.S. Farragut goes tragically wrong, Lt. James T. Kirk is given a ground job as an instructor at the academy. In San Francisco, he runs into Dr. Leonard H. McCoy, a sweet but grumpy Divorcé six years his senior. Despite their own determination to keep things casual and the fact that their life paths just don't match up, they find themselves falling in love.





	Only the Lonely

 

 

Jim was like sweet tea. Leonard could drink him by the gallon. Stretched out buck naked on Leonard’s bed, Jim smiled unabashedly up at him. He was twenty-five and so fucking beautiful. His hair was glossy and golden in the soft light of the table lamp, his skin was smooth and luminescent, his body toned. He was a wonderful physical specimen. The kind Earth would trot out to show extraterrestrials. Beyond that, Jim was genuinely good-natured. He was earnest and eager and utterly intoxicating.

‘Well, doc,’ Jim said, ‘you gonna give me that physical?’

Leonard grunted. ‘You think you’re real cute, don’t you?’

Jim put his hands up over his head. ‘Aren’t I?’ He lowered his eyes, then peered back up through thick, mascara laden lashes.

Leonard shook his head and undid his belt, tugged his trousers off. The night was hot, even with the screen door wide open, letting in the sea breeze, and the fan on. But that was California for you. Leonard climbed on top of Jim and bent to kiss his lips. They were soft and tasted like the strawberry lip balm Jim was always rolling on. ‘Damn cute.’

Jim kissed back, wrapping his arms around Leonard’s neck and clutching him to himself.

‘How long were you waiting like that?’ Leonard whispered against Jim’s ear.

‘An eternity,’ Jim purred. ‘Promise you’ll never leave me again? I want to spend the rest of forever in your arms.’

Leonard smiled and shook his head again. He reached his hand under Jim and squeezed his ass. There was a bit of extra fat there, and Leonard kneaded it. He pressed a kiss to the hollow of Jim’s neck, making him shiver.

‘Please,’ Jim said softly.

Leonard kissed up Jim’s neck, back to his keen lips.

Jim rubbed up against him, sliding his hands down to the small of Leonard’s back. ‘I’ve been thinking all day about the things you’d do to me.’

Leonard chuckled. ‘Yeah, like what?’

Jim’s cheeks flushed. ‘Well, I like your hand on my ass.’

‘You do, huh?’

Jim nodded, eyes half closed. ‘And I’ve been dreaming of your teeth sinking into my neck and shoulders.’

‘You want me to be a vampire?’

‘I want you to claim me. I want to be wholly yours.’

‘Hmm,’ Leonard said. Sometimes he worried about how amorous Jim could be. They had agreed to keep the relationship casual, but now and then it seemed Jim was getting too attached. The pain of a shattered marriage lingered in the back of Leonard’s mind, and he wasn’t looking to jump into anything serious. Maybe it would be healthier to break it off now. Better than letting Jim fall deeper and deeper in love, if that was what was happening. But he didn’t have to do anything about it right this second. It could wait until the morning, or next week, a month from now.

‘Or we could do something else,’ Jim said, obviously concerned by Leonard’s silence. ‘Whatever you want. Anything’s on the table.’

‘Anything?’ Leonard said dubiously.

‘Anything you’d like, Bones.’

Leonard shook his head. ‘You shouldn’t go around telling people things like that. You need to set up limits, or you could get yourself killed.’

Jim kissed Leonard, softly, tenderly. He gazed up into his eyes with uncloaked adoration. ‘I trust you, Bones, and I am sure you know just how much I can endure, if extreme’s your thing.’

‘It’s not,’ Leonard said quickly.

‘Then I have nothing to worry about, do I?’ Jim leaned back against the pillows and smiled widely.

‘You’re a reckless brat,’ Leonard said.

Jim widened his eyes. ‘Gonna spank me, daddy?’

‘I don’t know. Might box your ears.’

Jim pouted. ‘That doesn’t sound as fun.’

‘Fine.’ Leonard rolled Jim onto his stomach and smacked his ass. Jim rubbed against the mattress. The bottom sheet flew off one corner and hit Jim in the head. He laughed and peered backwards at Leonard, with those beautiful, brilliant, green – gold – hazel eyes.

Leonard smiled. ‘Serves you right.’ He rubbed Jim’s ass then moved down, tickling his inner thighs. Jim moaned and reached over to turn off the table lamp, so that the only light was the moon coming through the open door.

Gripping Jim’s hips, Leonard rolled him onto his back again. He dove into another kiss, pressing his tongue into Jim’s warm, welcoming mouth. Jim’s breath was sweet and minty, and Leonard could feel his heart speeding in his throat as they pressed close. He moved up and nibbled on Jim’s ear, then wrapped his lips around it and sucked. Jim gasped and squirmed. Leonard kept sucking and licking at it, while sliding his hand back down to Jim’s left thigh. He stroked it a couple times before moving north. He gave the tip of Jim’s cock a few feather-soft touches.

Jim let out a sharp breath. ‘Oooh, you’re a tease.’

‘You love it.’ Leonard kissed Jim’s shoulder than clamped his teeth around the skin. Jim hissed and tugged on Leonard’s boxers.

Leonard slid them off, dropped them over the side of the bed. Jim moved his hands down and pushed their hardened cocks together. He pressed his lips to Leonard’s again. Leonard returned the kiss, stretching it out nice and slow. He bit down on Jim’s bottom lip, and Jim moaned appreciatively. They moved together for while like that, kissing and biting and rubbing. Jim came first, gasping and panting and clinging to Leonard. After he had caught his breath, he twisted onto his stomach. Leonard sandwiched his cock between Jim’s butt cheeks and pounded against him. Jim’s breath was still shaky, and Leonard could hear Jim’s heartbeat thrilling in the wrist he had pinned above the pillow.

‘I love you,’ Leonard moaned when he came. His head was spinning so hard that it took him a moment to realize his mistake. Jim’s eyes were looking back at him, the moon strung out in them bluing the green. He was ecstatic. His look so warm and full of love that it made Leonard shudder. Was it so wrong to want this? Long-term he couldn’t see it working out. Jim was too wild, too ambitious. He was going to climb up to the stars and seize them in his grasp and burn with the fiery blood of the gods, and Leonard was going to keep practicing medicine, on earth most likely. And yet, here they were, falling fast, and maybe that was okay. Love didn’t necessarily have to last long to be extraordinary.

 

****************

 

Jim awoke up in the middle of night. He tried going back to sleep, listening to the waves roll against the shore and the shallow breathes that Leonard let out. But it was no use. His heart was pounding in his chest and going back just meant more nightmares. He slipped out of bed, bare feet padding across wide wooden boards. He peed while looking at his dark reflection in the floor length mirror. He couldn’t make out any features. It was all just shadow. He washed his hands and gargled water to get the dryness out of his mouth.

Afterwards, he went outside. He grabbed Leonard’s denim jacket from the peg near the door because the night had finally cooled. Other than that, he was just wearing boxers. He sat in the wet sand and let the ocean lap at his knees. He stared up at the stars, so small and distant, and faded in the lights coming off the streets. McCoy had just up and rented this place for the summer. California beach house. It was like a dream, like a good dream. How long had it been since Jim had had a good dream? And Bones was so sweet.

Jim knew it wouldn’t last –  his relationships never did, but fuck it, he was lonely, and he needed someone to silence the ghosts. He dug his fingernails into the sand, wrote: _SORRY._ His hand rolled over it, and the word disappeared. Jim closed his eyes and swallowed a lump in his throat.

He thought about Jack’s hands on him, how empty and exhilarating it felt to be consumed by his captain. Everyone knew Jim loved Captain Garrovick. He couldn’t hide the feeling. It beamed out of his eyes and smile. The older officers would tease him about his following Garrovick around like a puppy.  A few warned him to be professional, but no one thought his feelings were in any way reciprocated, least of all Jim.

Walking in on his captain crying felt like a betrayal, and he had dropped his PADD, and he had said he was sorry, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. And Garrovick had given up and locked the door and taken Jim in his arms, and the shouting became shushing. Jack’s grip was strong, and his kiss was hard. It made Jim’s legs wobbly, his head light. He fell back on the bed when Jack pushed him. He never said ‘no.’ He never said ‘yes’ either, but he didn’t fight. He had frozen, the same way he froze four months later when a gaseous monster drained the blood out of his captain and half the crew.

Sometimes Jim wondered if he brought bad luck with him. He came into people’s lives, to watch them die. First there was Tarsus IV, the starvation and executions, and then Ruth, who had hung herself in a utility closet because it was impossible to be unhappy in paradise, and now the _Farragut._ He should leave Bones before something horrible happened to him, but he couldn’t bring himself to give him up yet. Maybe this time would be different. Leonard was a sensible fellow. He could keep himself safe.

Jim hadn’t told Bones about the horrors in his life. He wouldn’t talk about it with anyone, not even his therapist. How many times had he been written up as uncooperative when he couldn’t bring himself to say anything because he knew he would end up in tears?

‘It’s okay to cry, Jim,’ his brother Sam was always telling him. ‘It’s healthy.’

But sobbing made Jim’s jaw and stomach ache, and it accomplished nothing. It felt like he was being asked to perform, that everyone expected him to break down one time and then he could go on with his life. But he had fallen apart again and again behind closed doors. He couldn’t see himself ever getting over the deaths of his comrades, and why should he? They certainly never would. Why should he be let off the hook?

‘You need to get your emotions out,’ his therapist said. ‘I can’t clear you for any mission until you start opening up.’

But why? Couldn’t he keep the pain locked away forever? Couldn’t he start over from today? Be a blank page. It was so fucking hard making friends. Telling them his true story made people pity but avoid him. Who wanted to be stuck with a raincloud when there was a sea of sunny people out there? Jim just had to learn how to smile, how to be charming and do the chit-chat that drained him. Everyday he practiced with the mirror. He watched his face as he formed words. Most of the time now, it looked natural. He had to make something of himself, to make up for all those others he had outlived. And to do that, he had to get people to like him.

‘Hey,’ a voice said behind him.

Jim jumped. ‘Hi.’

It was Bones. He sat down beside Jim and held his hand. ‘You okay?’

Jim pressed his lips into a smile. It wasn’t so hard with Bones. ‘Yes, quite all right, doctor. I just love looking at the stars.’

‘You miss it don’t you,’ Bones grumbled. ‘Space. Well, I’m sure they’ll sent you back soon. From what I’ve heard, you make a lousy instructor.’

Jim laughed. ‘It almost sounds like you’ll miss me.’

‘I will,’ Bones said grimly, and without looking away.

Jim swallowed. ‘You could come with me.’

‘Out into that frozen wasteland with synthesized food and a hundred billion regulations? No thank you.’

Jim stared out at the ocean. ‘Well, maybe they won’t let me back up there.’

‘Why?’ Bones said. ‘You fuck something up?’

‘Not according to my service records,’ Jim said. ‘They paint me as some heroic young officer, who might even make captain someday.’

‘And you don’t feel that’s an accurate assessment?’

Jim closed his eyes. ‘It’s four in the morning, Bones. Don’t psychoanalyze me.’

‘I’m not trying to analyze you, Jim. I’m just trying to talk to you.’

‘I’m sorry.’ Jim rubbed his eyes. ‘I’m tired.’

‘Well, then, let’s get you back to bed.’ Leonard got up and offered Jim his hand, and Jim took it, and they went in together.

Bones stopped in the dark kitchen, and he pulled Jim against his thin chest. ‘I want you to promise me something.’

Jim leaned against him, staring out the window at the stars. ‘Okay.’

‘No matter what happens, if this ends, when this ends, we’ll still be friends, okay? We’ll part on good terms? Because I couldn’t bear to hurt you, Jim, and I couldn’t bear it if you hated me.’

Jim rested his head on Leonard’s shoulder. ‘I could never hate you, Bones.’

‘Okay,’ Leonard said softly. He brought Jim back to bed and held him fast in his arms. Jim pressed his ear to Bones’ left breast, listening to the dizzying pulse of life.

 

 


End file.
